Play-There's no love like snow love, love

There's no love like snow love, love.

Conventions

Text in quotes is to be said by the actor.

Text in italics is an instruction

Normal text are scene setting descriptions that the actors should base their performances on.

The ‘...’ means you should adlib (make stuff up)

Characters

Uglu: Pretty, naive, silly

Tupit: Stupid, loyal, moral.

Sir William: Snide, enthusiastic, manic, charming

Roger: Charming, thoughtful, gay (camp if you wish)

Lady Fanny: Clever, bubbly, outspoken

Scene 1

Narrator: “Scene 1 - ‘You melt my snowballs’.    Our story begins in the ice wastes of the wastes of the North Pole.  As the cold wind blows two friends,  the lovely Uglu (ou-gloo) and her schoolhood friend Tupit (Tup-it) are  watching the sun shining weakly”

Uglu: “Crow-too-ah”

Tupit: “What?”

Uglu:”Crow-too-ah!”

Tupit: “Ok, right, unless you speak in English this is not going to work”

Uglu:”Ok. I’m cold!”

Tupit:”Come ‘ere, a cuddle is what you need”

Uglu: “ta” - cuddle

Tupit: “That’s what friends are for, and, well, you’re a special friend, you know?”

Uglu: “And you’re my special friend too. You’re like the brother I never had, I’ll never forget that”

Stage instructions : Penguin  is thrown at Tupit with letter attached.

Uglu: “A Penguin?”

Tupit:  “Yeah, what’s that all about?”

Uglu: “Says the boy with the green hat. Never mind, what’s the letter say?”

Tupit: Read Message

Tupit: “Good! I’ve been looking forward to this day”

Uglu: “How exciting for you? Do you know who you will choose as your wife?”

Tupit: “Yeah, very much so. I will tell you on my return” - walk off stage

Uglu: Wave goodbye to Tupit  in that ancient Inuit seal style …

Scene 2:

Narrator: “Scene 2: ‘The joy of herrings’’, Back in the village Uglu is trying to make up a song about fish”

Uglu: Quietly sing your song (make up the tune) …..

“I caught a herring in the  Strait of Bering  

I caught a cod  with my rod  

I caught a salmon ….“

Narrator: “when two strangers enter the village. It is Sir William UpperBottomley the dashing Victorian explorer and his trusty companion; Roger the manservant (who is secretly in love with William). “

William: “Well here we are Roger my boy - The Arctic. Terrific! Look at that, what wonderful sights! Over there, look, even more ice, and there, much more! We’re going to have a great time here Roger!”

Roger: “Yes sir, Sir William. I’m sure we will. If I may suggest, there appears to be a small village over there, perhaps we can rent an Iglo for a few hours …”

William: “Terrific idea Roger, well spotted. Yes, let’s get down and go native”

Roger:”Yes, that is exactly what I had in mind sir”

Walk over to village.

William: On seeing Uglu.

“Now what have we here? Awwwa, awwa,, look at that this Roger! Absolutely terrific don't you think? What a truly delightful specimen”

Roger:”No, not really …”

William: “Such a cute little nose - they rub nose here - instead of kissing. Did you know Roger”

Roger: “Yes I did - sounds disgusting if I may be so bold to say”

William: “And these eyes, like, like, like, like, LIKE the eyes of a puppy seal! Terrific eyes - both of them”

Roger: “I believe they eat seal eyes around here sir. Shall we ask about an igloo? … “

Uglu: You’re very impressed with this handsome,  flash foreigner and you start doing your the ancient walrus love dance …

William:”TOP TERRIFIC!”

Roger: Head in hands ….

Narrator:  “William and Uglu fall have hopelessly in love.”

Uglu: “You can call me your little Ug”

William: “You can call me your little Willy”

William: “Ug, would you come to London and be my wife?”

Uglu: “Ahng!”

William:”What?”

Uglu:”Yes, I mean, yes please!”

Narrator:”And so the two new lovers set off to England with a rejected and neglected Roger in tow”

Uglu, William: Hand in hand skip off stage.

Roger: Walk slow off stage behind them - head down.

Uglu: Put on Victorian dress.

Narrator: “But as Sir William's ship disappears over the horizon Tupit begins his fights to become a man.”

Tupit:”Where are you beary beary?”

Tupit:”Here beary bear?”

Bear:”Roar!”

Tupit: Fight the bear (played by Stephen). You win and take the bear’s head.

Narrator:  “So Tupit becomes man, of  a kind. Jubilantly he returns to the village to claim his wife”

Tupit: Search  the village for Uglu. You find her going away letter

Read Message

“

Tupit: You are grief stricken.  

“Nooooo, how could this have happened? Uglu I laaave you and i will find you!

Tupit: Exit stage in tears.

Uglu, William, Roger: Get into London clothes.

Scene 3

Stage: Uglu should now be wearing a big Victorian dress.

Narrator: “Scene 3 - ‘London’.  Sir William and Uglu are now discovering the joys of Victorian London”

William: Guide Uglu around the treats of London explaining their history and quirks.

Uglu: Be very interested and compare the sights back to their equivalents in the Arctic.

Scene 4

Narrator: “Scene 4 - ‘Another visitor to London’.  Tupit arrives in the great city and searches the streets for Uglu.”

Tupit: Go around asking people if they know Uglu ...

Tupit: Miserable and exhausted you collapse into an alley.

Narrator: “Meanwhile, Lady Fanny UpperBottomly, the rich and beautiful wife of Sir William, take her evening constitutional walk”

Fanny: Stride along looking posh, gorgeous, healthy, happy and rich.

Tupit: Groan and moan as Fanny walks by.

Fanny: “Oh dear, what have we here? You poor dear, whatever can be the matter with you?”

Tupit: “I’ve lost my Uglu!”

Fanny: “I’m very sorry to hear that? Can’t you just buy another one?”

Tupit:”Ya don’t understand. Uglu is da most beautiful lovely girl in da while of the  Arctic. I was going make her me wife but when my back was turned this guy called  Sir Willy UpHisOwnArse or something like dat stole her away from me. She ‘nd him are somewhere in London but I can’t find them”

Fanny: “Oh dear.  Poor thing. I have to say that’s a very interesting story. I think I can help you find Ugly?”

Tupit: “Uglu”

Fanny: “Yes, whatever. Come on, follow me and I’ll sort this most unfortunate affair out”

Fanny: Walk of stage

Tupit: Follow Fanny off stage.

Scene 5

Narrator: “Scene 5 - A tearful Roger sits in his room remember the lovely times he spent alone with Sir William before Uglu came on the scene”

Roger: Think out loud of your most cherished times with Sir William.

Scene 6

Narrator: “Scene 6 - The plotters plot. Lady Fanny has summed Roger to have  tea with her and Tupit”

Fanny:  “Thank you gentlemen for joining me for tea. I’ve ask you here to discuss a problem we each have in common, that of Sir William and Ugly …”

Tupit: “Uglu!”

Fanny: “That what I said. Now, Sir William and I have been married for 5 year now and in that time William has proven himself to be a lousy lover and generally an awful husband. At least when he is off on his adventures it frees me  up to have a bit of fun. Him hanging around London with his young savage friend is a great embarrassment to me.”

Roger: “Right you are my Lady. I certainly think life would be better if Sir William, and I, could resume our adventures.”

Tupit: “And how I wish dat I could get Uglu back again. But why would she leave a rich gentlemen like Sir William for a fishy smelling block like me?”

Fanny: “Oh dear, you can not go around thinking like that. That will never do. My boy, anyone can be a gentlemen with a little training.”

Fanny: “Now listen. I have a plan for you Tupit to get your girl back,  and for you Roger to get your man back and for me to lose mine again”.

Fanny: “Roger can you give this invitation to Sir William to meet me at Cafe Harrington’s at 2pm on Friday”. Hand letter to Roger

Roger: Exit stage

Scene 7

Narrator: “Scene 7 - ‘Tupit becomes a gentleman’.

Fanny: Show Tupit the etiquette of acting like a gentleman - table manners, proper deportment (walking correctly), getting on a horse, polite conversation, being a racist, a sexist and a snob ...

Tupit: Do your best to learn ...

Scene 8

Narrator: “Scene 8 - ‘Hating the rain and missing the snow’. It is mid morning Friday and a  bored Uglu gets an unexpected visitor to her small flat in Hammersmith”

Roger: Knock on door

Uglu: “Willy!”

Uglu: Open door with great enthusiasm expecting it to be Sir William.

Uglu: “ Oh, its you Roger. I didn’t expect to see you. Do come in.”

Uglu: “Would you like a cup of tea?”

Roger: “I’ve just come around to see how you are enjoying London?”

Uglu: “Oh Roger I’m so miserable. It never snows, it only rains. And Sir William is so busy I never get to see him. I guess marriages are very difficult to arrange”

Roger: “That they are, especially for some. I’ve not be too happy recently so why don’t I treat you to a cup of tea and a slice of cake at Cafe Harrington’s? I’m sure it will cheer us both up.”

Uglu: “That would be nice”

Roger and Uglu: Arm in arm exit stage under Roger’s umbrella.

Scene 9

Tupit: Put on smart clothes.

Narrator:  “Scene 9 - ‘Cafe Harrington’s’. Roger and Uglu are seated to have a fine afternoon tea.”

Uglu: “Do you like herrings? I do? I can make herring cake? They’re very nice. Do you think they sell them?”

Roger:”I don’t think so”

Uglu:”What about herring ice-cream? That’s very easy to make. Herring, smash into bits on the snow, scoop it up and DA-DAH herring ice-cream!”

Roger:”I don’t think they are too keen on herring here”

Uglu:”Oh never mind, I’ll just have seal club sandwich”

Narrator: “On the other side of the room Lady Fanny and Sir William are also having tea”

Fanny: So William, back in London I see. Nice of you not to let me. Tell from whence you came and why did you have too?”

William: “Wicked sense of humor as always Fanny. Terrific to catch up with you dear. Yes, just back from the Arctic. Had a terrific time. Lots of snow, you know? More snow than you can shake a stick at - except they don’t have any - stick that is; got plenty of snow ….”

Fanny:”I find I tire of snow after a flake or two. Are you sure you didn’t find anything more exciting than snow?”

William:”Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. hmmm. hmmmm. hmmmmm. ahhhhh, YES, I’ve got it. Bears, great big bears, monstrous bears!”

William: Stand up and make this bit dramatic. “There I was, all alone, with nothing but my walking stick to defend myslef when this colossus of a bear creeps up on me - they wear white  you know - and starts growing and a gnashing its teeth. Well there was only one thing for it - I let out a terrificly load roar myself - ROARRRRRRRRRRRR!

Uglu: Amazed,  “My big Willy! THERE HE IS”. Point at Sir William.

Fanny: To Sir William: “You are my hero!” and give him a big kiss and embrace. Make it dramatic as you are faking this to make Uglu jealous.

Uglu: “Khang-ah! Who is that women?”

Roger: Smug, “That, my dear, is his wife; Lady Fanny UpperBottemley”

Uglu: “Oh, I hate you Willy. I’ve been such a fool!”. Start to leave the cafe in tears.

William: “Uggy my dear, come back.” Go towards  her.

Uglu:  Run accidently into the arm of Tupit. “Tupit!”

Tupit: Try to speak manly “Stand back fair maiden. I’ll going to give this cad a jolly good beating!” Brandish your walking cane at Sir William

William: Run away like a big girly.”Ohwwww”

Roger: Run after William with a big smile on your face. “Sir William! Sir William I’ve got your back”

Uglu: To Tupit: “You’ve come to save me. You are my hero!”

Tupit: “Will you marry me, I’ve got a bear’s head and everything?”

Uglu: “Oh Yes!”.

Uglu and Tupit: “Back to the Arctic - There's no love like snow love, love!”

Uglu and Tupit: Do the happy snow dance.

Everyone else: join in

Narrator: “THE END!” - All take a bow